My Hope

It’s late, the house quiet. I’m alone, this is rare and these days I’m glad it is. It keeps my mind busy to have someone around me, with me, all the time. I appreciate the chatter and laughter.

I run my bath and lay long watching the tub slowly fill. I stare at my toes peeking out of the water. As the tub fills, I feel it rising in me, that swelling surge of tears. I fight it as I’ve been fighting for the last two weeks. It was easy in the beginning. My body felt weak, broke, and I hurt a physical pain, pain so bad that it drowned out the emotional pain. My head pounded so loud that no thoughts of my baby could come in.

Sleep evaded me and ran from me every time I laid down. I would toss and turn and pray and beg Him for sleep. The glass of red wine at night that I drank for a week would calm me enough to finally fall asleep. My body was so tired and I would try to sleep and then the dreams would come. I would be bleeding, and it wouldn’t stop and then the baby was gone. Every night the same dreams. Lord, cover these dreams, these dreams that torment! Duane would pray over me every night and the Lord heard his prayers.

My body is now healing but now the emotional is trying to come out. This is harder. I would rather push it down and pray time covers over. I’ve been thru this kind of loss before but that doesn’t help. How do I push past and see something good in this? There is good though. God is always good and He is always on the throne. His plans for my life are perfect, He makes no mistakes.

There will always be a piece of my heart that is with that baby and the four before it. My heart was broken, but God’s heart was broken too. I have been given the privilege of allowing this to shape me more into the image of the Lord and once again lean on Him. As I lay in the tub the radio quietly played. All of a sudden I heard the words…

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

As I step over the sleeping bodies of the sweet visitors on my bedroom floor, and climb into bed and feel the warmth of my honeys body, I will fall asleep tonight and listen to the sweet sound of his snoring while playing this song in my mind. Christ is my hope, my all and all. On Christ, my solid Rock, I will stand. The tears will come. The emotions will fill me, but I have hope and I will wholly lean on Jesus’ name.