What not to say

Before I ever walked the road of miscarriage I would never know how to comfort a friend who had experienced a loss. What do you say? There is no pat answer to that question as we each respond differently to losing a baby, but I can tell you what not to say.

Please do not say, “At least you have _____ other children.”  It doesn’t matter how many other children I have because there is still a hole in my heart from the one I will never be able to hold. If one of my ten children was taken in a car accident would you say, “At least you have nine other children”? Each child is a special blessing and one does not fill the place of another. Baby number 11 was as special to us as baby number 1 was.

Please do not say, “at least you have children, some women do not.” My heart goes out to those who have not had a baby but that does not help the empty feeling in my womb.

Please do not remind me of all the other blessings in life I have. I am blessed, but I yearn for the blessing that was taken from me. I know I have many other little ones to hold but I miss the one that Jesus is holding for me.

Please do not say, “maybe there was something wrong with the baby.” We were willing to accept this child regardless of what may or may not have been “wrong” with it. The smell of baby skin is the same no matter what the health. When Christians start putting a value on life based on what that quality of life may or may not be, they are no different from people who abort a life because of those same reasons. Jesus said, “let the little children come to me”. He did not put restrictions on that based on what the quality of life of that child is.

Please be wise and gentle with the words you speak to my children. They too had hopes and dreams for this new sibling. My older ones were looking forward to a new baby to snuggle and hold. I realize they are keeping strong for me but underneath they are grieving there own way. I had a little one that was praying to die so they could go to heaven and be with this baby. Please do not say things that will make them pray this more.

If I sound angry with God for allowing my baby to be taken; please do not start preaching God’s goodness and telling me how I need to just accept God’s will. I do accept God’s will and I believe He is as sovereign today as He was last month. Please let me be angry and don’t try to fix what only the Lord can fix. He knows I am but human and He understands that I don’t understand. I am confident that He loves me in spite of my questioning and all the mix of emotions that I’m dealing with.

Please do not rush me in the grieving process. I don’t know how long it will take. His mercies are new every morning and for that I am beyond grateful. Just because we live in a fast paced life, we can not heal in a fast paced way. Healing takes time and sometimes the scars never fade.

Please do not feel the need to try and “fix” things. Again, only the Lord can do that, but offer me a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. I may ramble as I try to make sense of the swirl of thoughts and emotions in my heart and head. Please just listen…and pray.