The End of the Trail

We are coming to the end of this fundraising journey this week. A friend’s daughter offered to do a Pampered Chef party for Shelbie next week but our yard sale this weekend was actually the big finale that required lots of time and energy from us.

Yesterday, after the sale as I was straightening and cleaning in the garage I made my way to a shelf that we use for kitchen storage. For the last 3 1/2 months Shelbie has used one of these shelves to store all her jars and baking supplies for her cake pop and cake in a jar business that has pretty much consumed our lives since she started.

I started empting off the shelf, packing up jars, and planning in my head what I was going to do with a bit of extra storage space around here. (Extra space is in high demand in Neyville!) I was thinking to myself how glad I was that this season of fundraising was coming to an end. It has been so time consuming for all of us. School, a clean house, meals being served on time, and sleep have all suffered the last three months. On days that Shelbie had a large order our tiny kitchen would be swallowed up with cake pops. There was no room to get in to make dinner and instead of doing school her siblings would create an assembly line and rolling, dipping, decorating, and packaging orders.

I was thinking back to all the late nights Shelbie would be up after the house was quiet and the kitchen emptied so she could complete orders. I was pondering all those nights that I sacrificed sleep with her because I’m just one of those Mama’s that can’t go up to bed and sleep well knowing one of my little ones, or even not so little ones, are still up.  I was thinking how glad I was to put those 2:00 am nights behind us!  As I cleaned and was caught up with all these thoughts I was suddenly consumed with a flood of sadness and grief. I was excited to close this chapter of this journey and then it hit me that the next chapter would be her actually leaving. My heart felt like it just slammed into a brick wall.

Why did I think those late, sleepless nights would be gone? They will just be traded for nights spent in prayer for my little girl. Nights aching to give her a hug, or even just to hear her voice. Nights battling and wrestling with the “what if’s” that Satan likes to throw our way. Nights spent clinging to the hem of His garment and asking for another day to wake to His new mercies.

Our late dinner’s that so frustrated me will be exchanged for an empty seat at the table. We won’t need to drag in that extra chair from the schoolroom but we will all wish we had to. As we go around the table giving our high and low’s of the day, I’m sure most of us will have the same low…missing Shelbie.

School that didn’t get accomplished all these months will carry over to summer and we will all try to have some sort of a new “normal” without Shelbie. We will take on geography this summer and do lots of reading and studying on Africa so we can feel like we are learning a bit of what she will be living.

Once again I wonder why I’m such an impatient woman. So excited to hurry through and be done with this part of the journey instead of embracing and enjoying each moment and savoring all the Grace our God has showered on us each step of the way. So much Grace He has poured out! It’s amazing.

I know that as we this trail ends and the next one begins He will meet us there and supply our every need. My flesh is not yearning for the next chapter but my spirit knows He will finish the good work He has started and we will once again be the privileged recipients of more grace.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentaions 3:22-23