I was 20 years old when I had Shyloh. I remember sitting in the
hospital holding her and feeling so inadequate for the job I was embarking on. I
had no idea what I was doing. Shyloh was a rather difficult baby, she was very
colicky, and that made my journey into motherhood a bit difficult. I was so in
love with her but I was also young and selfish and frankly I felt a bit put out
by how difficult she was.
By the time Shelbie joined our family, almost 3 years later, I
was finally getting the hang of motherhood. I loved being a mom and eagerly
listened to any advice given to me. At that point we still weren’t saved so the
Bible never had its place in my mothering. I read lots of books on parenting
that were from a very secular view. After
we had Shelbie the Lord got a hold of us and we gave our hearts and lives to Him. I
was still eager to learn all I could about parenting so we took classes at
church about parenting and I read every book that came my way.
Somewhere along the way I had listened to people who would
tell me that my babies shouldn’t dictate my life. My life should carry on just
as always and they should blend in with my life. I kept that mentality for
several babies. Then I had a miscarriage. I was devastated to say the least. I
wanted another baby more than anything in the world. We conceived again and two
months into that pregnancy we once again lost the baby. The Lord was using these
losses to change my heart. I prayed and prayed for another baby.
The Lord was gracious and in a couple months I was pregnant
again. I was so grateful to be pregnant and I cherished each moment of that
pregnancy. The moment I pushed that little body out and held her to my chest the
feeling I had was so different than ever before. I was so grateful for that
little life and the chance to once again be a mother.
The Lord had been slowly working in my heart during the
miscarriages and then the pregnancy that I had so prayed to be blessed with
again. Somewhere during my first six babies I had come to believe that I was
still entitled to “me” time. That these sweet children that God had entrusted to
me had to blend in with “my” life. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my sleep, or me
time, or time working on hobbies, or pretty much anything else that I thought I
had the right to. God was chipping away at my heart.
My babies had always been scheduled and slept thru the night by
6 weeks old, I dictated when they would sleep and I would never have dreamed of
letting any of them sleep in my bed. About 3 weeks after my much prayed for, 7th
baby, entered our lives, I was feeling very sleep deprived and one night during
a middle of the night feeding I brought her to bed with me to nurse. We both
fell asleep and I got 4 hours straight sleep. I felt like a new woman! The next
night when she woke up to nurse I brought her in bed again. Again, we be both
fell asleep and slept good. The third night when I went to bed I just brought
her to bed with me. She slept 6 hours straight! I felt amazing but there was
something else happening that was more important than sleep. God was working in
my heart.
During the months after my miscarriage the Lord was showing me
that I had been parenting according to “man’s ways”, not God’s ways. I had spent
so much time reading all the books written by the “experts” but I had neglected
the one book that truly had all the answers…the Bible. I felt the Lord ask me,
“how would you parent these children if it was just you, your husband, and my
word all alone on a desert island?” He told me that all these so called experts
would not be standing with me the day I give account to Him on how I raised my
children, only my husband and I would be. Who was I parenting for? For whose
standards am I striving for as I raised my children? He gently reminded me that
He gave Duane and I the task of fashioning the destiny of these precious souls,
no one else.
My mothering took a drastic turn. I did what felt right to me
and Duane, with the Bible being the plumb line for how and what we did. I
actually enjoyed snuggling in bed with my precious little one like I had never
before with any of my others. I breathed in that amazing smell of her warm body
and soft hair. I no longer felt like “MY” time or sleep was being infringed
upon, instead I viewed those 3 am feedings as a privilege. The selfishness that
I had in my mothering all those years was melting away. No longer did I listen
to the “experts”. They were not my children’s parents! Since that time I have
enjoyed the babies I have had more than ever before.
I know longer expect or think I “deserve” me time. When I used
to have the mindset that somehow I deserved that time to do my own hobbies or
hang with friends I would get cranky when I didn’t get it. It made me
frustrated. Now I have the mindset that I am owed nothing and that my job as a
mother is a ministry, a privilege, and that I “get” to lay down my own wants and
desires to serve, teach, train, and love these children that have been entrusted
to me. It is so very freeing to me and the beautiful thing is that since I don’t
expect those times when the Lord gives them to me I am so grateful and I feel so
blessed. I don’t take them for granted. He showed me that mothering is very much
the same as a Christian’s life. We are called to lay down our life for the Lord,
to be other centered, to do all things to bring Him glory and not for our own
benefit.
I am so thankful the Lord has given me 21 years to evolve in my
mothering from a selfish mom, who allowed her mothering to be dictated by the
"experts" and other peoples opinions, to one who is slowly learning to only listen
to the Lord and my husband. They are the the experts of my children and they
love my children more than anyone else. This has been a slow process, one of
which I am still learning and, Lord willing, will continue learning. The beauty
of now being an “older” mom is hindsight. It’s a gift from the Lord. I’m
grateful He’s so patient with me and has given me more children to learn these
lessons with.
He tends his flock like a
shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Isaiah 40:11
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