Being under His wings

“Where are the babies?” I asked as I was french braiding Poppet’s hair.  When Shiro and Bodey are quiet it usually means a calm before the storm.  They own the title “Noise Makers”.

I had put the baby gate up blocking the busy little toddlers from going into the school room while Shadd was working on his school with our tutor, Miss Bev.  Usually they are locked on the inside of this room, not on the outside.

Shayden and Shannen scoured the house looking for our missing babies. We checked the girls clubhouse under the stairs, the pantry, the bathrooms, the boys room, and finally realized they were missing. I dropped Poppet’s braid and ran outside to look. Down the road to my horror were two tiny little images. Shannen and I ran to grab them. They were oblivious to anything. They were having the time of their lives, sun shinning down on them, and enjoying a lovely walk.  When they heard footsteps behind them they looked at us, ignoring the panicked screams they turned and bolted, laughing.

These two little guys were completely oblivious to the fact they had strayed out from under the wings of protection that were designed to keep them safe. They were having a blast! They paid no attention to any cars driving by, people backing out of their driveways, or the fact that anyone could have come by and scooped them up. They could have been separated from us forever!

How many times have I done this with the Lord? Thinking I could do it myself? Walking down the streets of life without being under His wings of protection. For a time it may seem I can do it alone. I don’t need to make it a priority to get up daily and spend time in the word and prayer before I face my day. I don’t need to seek God on everything but rather rely on my own weak wisdom. I am so grateful that my God runs after me and loves me enough to seek me out when I wander.  In the same way that my heart sunk when I saw those two little guys running down the street, how does the Father’s heart feel when I stroll down a path, out from under His wings of protection,  that could be possibly dangerous for me?

Lord, keep me always close to you. Don’t let me stray. Let me make my home deep within your heart and never leave the safety that only you can provide.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge…. 
Psalm 91:4

God is for you!

Mercies in Disguise

It was four weeks ago today that I slowly made my way down the stairs, head pounding and weak, listening to the quiet hushed voices of my husband and children as they tried not to wake me. It almost feels like a dream until I see the cradle set up next to my bed. It has become a resting place for dolls belonging to my sweet little girls. I am leaving it there, praying one day it will be filled with a baby, one not made of plastic and fake hair, but soft, warm, and carrying the scent of heaven.

I am slowly seeing the grace that continually flows from the hand of God. It has taken me a while to see that even the loss of a baby can be showered with His grace and His blessings.

I tend to pray for things that will make my life easy. Isn’t that human nature? Why do I think that when trials in this life come that they are meant to break me and bring me down. I spent two weeks crying out to the Lord and begging for Him so save this baby. I did everything in my human power to prevent a miscarriage. While I may never know this side of heaven what happened, I can still see His grace.

I get so attached to this decaying, dying world and then something happens to remind me that this is not my home. He chose not to heal my body, but He will heal my heart. All the nights after I came home from the hospital, feeling empty in my womb, empty in my heart, sleep running from me, I laid there crying to the Lord. Calling on Him. It took an emptiness to beg for His filling. I’ve been the valley of “dry bones”. (Ezekiel 37) I didn’t see this until now. How does life, life in Him, slip away unnoticed? How did I get so wrapped up in this life that I didn’t see, really see my need for a refilling of His breath?

I was bones, with tendons, flesh, and skin, but the breath was weak, faint. I hear the rattling, the rattling of bones coming together. I feel the flesh and skin being made new. He is exchanging that heart of stone for a heart of flesh.

It took losing a baby to see, to feel, to cry to Him. This is a blessing.  He is healing something  much deeper than a body. Was losing my baby a chance for Him to pull me near, and love on me? The chance for me to hear Him again?  Is this ache in my womb the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?  Only He can satisfy!

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Multitude Monday

1101. Walking and popping

1102.  Quietness

1103. The sun on my face1104. Chicken watching

1105. Loads of laundry waiting to be folded

1106. Mom’s prayer time1107. Shoes left on my stairs

1108. Cleaning my school room

1109. Bodey and Shiro running and laughing 1110. Cowboy candy

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 

Psalm 91:2

Things that make me smile

  

The boy, his boots, and his morning chicken watching

My Hope

It’s late, the house quiet. I’m alone, this is rare and these days I’m glad it is. It keeps my mind busy to have someone around me, with me, all the time. I appreciate the chatter and laughter.

I run my bath and lay long watching the tub slowly fill. I stare at my toes peeking out of the water. As the tub fills, I feel it rising in me, that swelling surge of tears. I fight it as I’ve been fighting for the last two weeks. It was easy in the beginning. My body felt weak, broke, and I hurt a physical pain, pain so bad that it drowned out the emotional pain. My head pounded so loud that no thoughts of my baby could come in.

Sleep evaded me and ran from me every time I laid down. I would toss and turn and pray and beg Him for sleep. The glass of red wine at night that I drank for a week would calm me enough to finally fall asleep. My body was so tired and I would try to sleep and then the dreams would come. I would be bleeding, and it wouldn’t stop and then the baby was gone. Every night the same dreams. Lord, cover these dreams, these dreams that torment! Duane would pray over me every night and the Lord heard his prayers.

My body is now healing but now the emotional is trying to come out. This is harder. I would rather push it down and pray time covers over. I’ve been thru this kind of loss before but that doesn’t help. How do I push past and see something good in this? There is good though. God is always good and He is always on the throne. His plans for my life are perfect, He makes no mistakes.

There will always be a piece of my heart that is with that baby and the four before it. My heart was broken, but God’s heart was broken too. I have been given the privilege of allowing this to shape me more into the image of the Lord and once again lean on Him. As I lay in the tub the radio quietly played. All of a sudden I heard the words…

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

As I step over the sleeping bodies of the sweet visitors on my bedroom floor, and climb into bed and feel the warmth of my honeys body, I will fall asleep tonight and listen to the sweet sound of his snoring while playing this song in my mind. Christ is my hope, my all and all. On Christ, my solid Rock, I will stand. The tears will come. The emotions will fill me, but I have hope and I will wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Mothering

Multitude Monday

  1091. Auntie Lolly and Blessing

1092. A love bracelet from Poppet

1093. New wall photos 1094. My girls

1095. Coffee brought home from Shelbie and Shannen

1096. New painted cupboards   1097. Abiding in the shadow of the Almighty. It’s the only place to be.

1098. Praying techs

1099. The nightly prayers prayed over us by my honey. It’s the best way to fall asleep.

1100. A pair of wool socks he left on my nightstand so my feet would be warm in the morning

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, shall abide in the shadows of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1